心細い

today, i had a midterm, so last night, i spent quite a bit of time studying. i might have been a bit irritated. what pushed me over the edge was my mom. 何度も何度も電話かけてきては用事を言いつけてくる。すごい苛々した。but it's my mom. so i do as she says. even if it means i'm half crying by the time i'm done. (i tend to cry when i'm really stressed or mad. i hate it but there's not much i can do about it)

after finishing up with my mom, i was able to talk to my bf. 当然母のことで愚痴ることになる。but you know what he says!? "don't pick up" -_- それができたら苦労しないし．．．挙句の果てには he says it's my fault... that got me really mad too. and then he gets mad. why? because apparently i was 機嫌悪い。doesn't make much sense.

it seems like my bf can only look at things from his perspective. his family is relatively lenient and he can do pretty much whatever he wants. but that's not the kind of environment i grew up in. こっちはすごい厳しかったし、母の言うことはいくら理不尽でも絶対だった。plus, i have an older sister with mental retardation to take care of. but all the bf says is that i should rebel. 無理だって。それでなくても母はほぼ女手一つで姉と私を育ててくれた。それなりに恩義は感じてる。he just doesn't understand.

こういう心細くて胸がちょっぴり痛いときによく聴く歌がある。L'Arc~en~Ciel の「叙情詩」。it's a really good song. ちょっぴり切なくて胸がキュンってなる曲。大好き。

個人的には、この曲は「ナナ」というマンガのテーマ・ソングである。めちゃめちゃ「ナナ」を読んでいたころとめちゃめちゃ「叙情詩」を聞いていたころがちょうど重なって、ハチの失恋や他のキャラの切ない恋話（コイバナ）とすごく合ってたから。it's a really good song. i hope you guys get a chance to listen to it.

p.s. another good L'Arc~en~Ciel song is 「Daybreak's Bell」. こちらもまたちょっぴり切ないね。

Currently listening to: 叙情詩 - L'Arc~en~Ciel